Struggling with competition

Everyone thinks I’m a competitive person. I’m rather the exact opposite. I hate competing against anyone for anything. I hate the pressure of being judged against someone else. I think I just hate the fact that there is a chance I will lose and that chance is pretty high considering it is me that I’m talking about. I just lost two competitions in two days and it makes me feel like such a loser. Like I’m not good enough to do anything useful. I think I’ve just got a lot of pent up anger in me and I need to get rid of it one way or another. Life is looking so dull and gloomy these days. I hate uncertainty. The deeper I go into the unknown, the more frighten I become but then I think back to when I didn’t care if I lived or not and everything seems normal again. I think that’s why I appear so calm outwardly. Because part of me doesn’t want to live, part of me is dead. I wonder if I’ll ever get to the day where I want to live longer but I can’t. That would equally suck too. Everything sucks. This blog post makes no sense but that’s because I’m exhausted. I don’t even know why I began to write this to begin with. Oh well. Life is full of mysteries just like life is full of miseries.

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