Loneliness

Three years ago I asked for independence. And three years later I got it. I don’t need to give you 13 reasons why. I only need to give you one. That one reason is me. We decide our own fate. Not other people. Yes, they can be a major influence on how we decide but the ultimate decision lies with us. The person who chooses to end a life is the person responsible so the person to blame really should be ourselves. You may disagree but a suicidal person is never quite right in the head. That, I can justify for sure. And no matter what you do, it always comes back to haunt you. It’s almost like an addiction, a temptation. Maybe that’s why society files us away into categories. Categories they don’t want to face with. Because the truth is ugly and painful. The truth is mental illness is an issue. It’s a problem everyone can face given enough stress. It’s not something we’re born with or inherited. It’s something we develop from the ongoing pressures of our environment. And it goes hand in hand with everything that causes depression.

The solution is simple, ask for help. But solutions are never simple. Nobody likes to admit that there is something wrong with them. I know for a fact that I would never ask for help myself (so am I a hypocrite?). Well, yes and no.

I’m lucky because I think I have a varying degree of bi-polarism or whatever shitty labels society has decided to put on it. When I’m in darkness I have someone there to help me find a way out. But some people are not so lucky. Maybe their vision has been blinded for so long. Maybe they have been left in the dark for too long. But nobody knows and that’s when things really do get shitty.

Everyone has a dark place, those who think they don’t are just blessed to never have been put under the stress to find it but having a dark place doesn’t mean we should get treated like we’re “sick and diseased”. The human mind is the most precious and fragile thing in the world and as cliche as this sounds, the best medication for it is love and nurture. Those that have been feed love and nurture all their lives are obviously more resistant to dark thoughts. Some are so strong they can completely repel from even thinking about it. Some of us, are not so lucky.

Having suicidal thoughts isn’t a necessary bad thing for me but like I said, I’m an odd case. I’ve always been an odd case. It makes me bolder in terms of living a bit more because I think to myself, “If I’m going to end my life right now, I might as well do all the things I was too scared to do before I end it” and that usually pushes me forward because I have a million things on my to-do-list so suicide can wait, for now.

Having gone through these thoughts more than once, I know things do eventually get better. So I think that’s the message I’m trying to get across today. It’s not the perfect solution to whatever dark place you’re currently in. But if the solution is to end your life, stop and think about all the other things you can do before you end your life. Because once you do, that’s it. There is no going back.

If life wants to treat you like shit, then shit on it first, don’t be the weaker one. Stand up for yourself and fight. Because you are the ultimate decider of your own fate, your own life. And if all else fails, seek help. I mean, what else have you got to lose anyway? You only have one life and trust me, your life is worth saving.

– FuturePresentsPast

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Filthy Rich

I finally understood what this phrase meant: filthy rich. I say so not from experience or a sudden change of luck. I understood from observation, from realisation. Not everything has to be understood by experience. Some things are more clearly explained through the art of observation. The rich become the rich by getting their hands dirty. Hands being a metaphor being everything they are to everything they believe in: their morals, the goals, their dreams, their beliefs, and most importantly, their pride. You’d think the rich pride themselves in being so rich and trust me, they do. I have seen them, I have observed them. But if you dig deeper in their pride, if you look at the source of their riches, you’ll find that they will most likely not be proud of what they have done to accumulate such wealth. No one gets rich by helping others help. That is not to say all rich people are bad. The rich has the ability to help the poor (if they choose to) but you’ll rarely find someone rich whose wealth was founded upon helping those in need. 

So where am I going with this? I once asked a closed relative of mine, “Which job will earn the greatest amount of money?”

Everybody dreams about being rich but we all have different reasons. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to be rich but the truth is, I only want to be rich so I don’t have to think about money. I want to live comfortable enough that money is never a worry of mine. But if you ask me whether I want to be the richest of the richest, I probably couldn’t care less. 

Others want to be rich for different reasons. Rich brings many associative traits. The most common ones are power, fame, and luxury. 

I guess my reason fits under independence and luxury. Two things I’ve never really had in life. 

But would I damage my morals to reach these goals? That is, would I be willing to get my hands dirty? 

To be completely honest, I’m not quite so sure myself. I see how easy it is to make dirty money and it tempts me. I guess the devil would not have survived so long if it did not know how to tempt. And then I would tell myself that it is not worth ruining the morals I have upheld for so many decades. But being rich, even filthy rich is surely tempting…. 

Bad habits are hard to quit

There are many things I wish I was better at. I can’t say I haven’t tried but I also can’t say I’ve tried very hard. 

As human beings, it is in our nature to resort to the things that are easy and simple. It goes against our nature to exert effort to work for something. And usually that only happens if the rewards outweigh the work efforts. No one works for free. Even volunteers are gaining the experience or the title of selflessness. 

What inspired me to make this post is the process of checking my emails. I found that the most dangerous habit I have become accustomed to is to mark emails I have opened as “unread” to deal with it at a later stage but in this day and age, our inbox are so frequently visited by mail that the old ones are drowned in masses of junk and we tend to forget what’s not there. 

So instead of leaving the decision making for the future, decide upon it now. Because when you do things in the future it is thrown into your past which is why bad habits are hard to quit because good habits are thrown in between the time zones of the future and the past and miss the opportunity to exist in the present. 

So I will leave this post with one final note, “All good things require sacrifice” because you have to sacrifice time in the present to change your way of living. 

Leave me a comment on “What you are willing to sacrifice your present time for?

The path to no where

That’s what it feels like doesn’t it? The future, I mean. A path unknown like a path to no where but every step we take is somewhere and every step into somewhere is a step into the future.

And just like the future, I have no idea where this post is going. I don’t have an excuse or an explanation to describe why I stopped writing for two years (well, almost two years). I guessed I got shy to expose so many of my secrets online (even though it may be anonymous). I don’t know why I started writing again. I thought I stopped because I found happiness. And maybe because this blog contains the scars I could not carry so I couldn’t bring myself to be exposed to it again. 

I don’t know who reads these posts and I don’t know why but I’m going to keep writing anyway because that’s what I feel like doing in the present. I’m too tired to remember the burden of the past and I’m too nervous to focus on the mysteries of the future so I’ll just appreciate what is happening now. 

And right now, my family is playing a card game while I’m sitting in the dining room writing. I should probably join them onto the path to no where. 

A Grandmother’s Charm

My grandmother,
Probably doesn’t recognise me,
Yet this grandmother if mine,
Loves me very dearly.
My grandmother,
Once upon a time,
Would gaze at the sky above,
And count the stars of the night.
My grandmother,
Gave me another charm,
Maybe it’s a sign,
To have another chance.
My grandmother,
She’s ageing faster than light,
Her body is waning,
I wish I could stop this crime.
My grandmother,
Has never asked for much,
She didn’t deserve this,
I’m sorry for losing touch.

Dear grandmother,
Mother says I’m just like you,
Her harsh tone is a clear insult,
But I really hope I do.
Dear grandmother,
I will value and cherish life,
I will fight my way for freedom,
I will take back my rights.

-FuturePresentsPast

Slavery

Slavery is when your master is always right,
Even when she is wrong,
Slavery is living with the dread,
That your life is far too long.
Slavery is an accusation,
For things you’ve never done,
Slavery is your life on threat,
Your body will never be found.
Slavery is when your rights are lost,
And you disappear into oblivion,
Slavery can break you,
From everything to none.
Slavery reduces you,
It consumes your mind,
Slavery can make you hate,
Until your heart is blind.
Slavery is my home,
A place I do not feel safe in,
Slavery is all I’ve known,
A life full of sin.
Slavery can bake your soul,
Until you’re beyond burned,
Slavery is when she slaps you,
For reasoning and educating her.
Slavery is when you’re forced,
With violence and abuse,
Only once you’ve been exhausted of use,
They sell you off for a new.