Finite Love

I have made the conclusion that love is limited. If it were unlimited, we would all be freed to love and give an infinite amount of love. I think we all want to believe that we can love infinitely but that just can’t be true. There are some things we love more than others, there are some people we will  love more than others and there will be thing and people that we will never love in our lives. We live to love but love doesn’t live on. I chose this topic today because I am afraid of love. I am afraid of finding people or things that will divide up my love for the people and things I currently love. It is possible to love equally but is it possible to love all things equally? And what amounts of love does it require to truly determine that you love someone or something. Is love when you choose to give up your life for the life of someone else? In that case I love all but myself. And yet I do not want to die, not because I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid it will hurt the people I love. But is choosing to live for the sake of other people a good reason to live? What if instead I had said, choosing to live for the sake of love because that’s what’s really happening. A choice to live is choosing not to hurt the ones who loves you and who you love back. So we arrive at a conflicting choice. And the best choice is to live. To live, to learn, to love. Live to learn, learn to love, love to live. It’s an endless cycle. But isn’t a cycle an infinite figurative? It is. But this cycle is a circle. And each piece that gets divided up is allocated from somewhere. I don’t know how much pieces I can divide up, I do know who has the larger pieces and who doesn’t. So love is inaccurately depicted by the shape of a heart. Love has been romantized for too long. Love is about divide and conquer. That’s where the saying, “Win the heart” comes from. Love is competitive and if you don’t compete, you won’t get a piece. But fighting for something that isn’t yours will not get you anywhere and that is where love is also fragile. It can be easily conquered by the right person but no matter how strong or tough or persistent you are, if you are not the right one, you will never gain a piece big enough to win the heart over. I find love to be such an abstract thing to think about. Like outer space and questioning our purpose of existence. I always thought of myself as someone who could never love but I think I just haven’t found anyone who can outcompete the people and things that are holding the pieces of my love. Or maybe no one has bothered to compete for it. I guess that puts an end to our question for world peace. Peace is achieved by equal love but life isn’t fair, and just like life, nothing will ever be divided up evenly, love inclusive. I hope I do learn to divide up my love but I am also scared. I am scared to love because it’s another reason to live. Maybe I am scared to love because I am scared to live. So first, I have to live. Then I will learn to love. 

LiveLearnLove – maybe that’s my new PastPresentFuture. 

Advertisements

A little A lot

I want to share something with you but I’m not sure what it is that I want to share. I feel uncertain all of a sudden. I don’t know how to describe it. I see people but I don’t. I’m smiling and laughing but my heart doesn’t really follow along to the beat of sound. I’m nodding and agreeing but I don’t know if I meant yes or no. I am a maybe and maybe there will be a miracle for me. I pray for the things I don’t believe in. I believe in getting the things I don’t believe I will ever get. I wish I wasn’t so confusing. I wish I could tell what I’m feeling because feeling uncertain is a really uncertain feeling. I’m tired but I can’t sleep. But I should sleep because I’m tired. I’ve lost senses to all things that make sense. Sometimes I wish I could clear my head and reset it. But we all know there is no start overs or do overs. There is only moving forward and pushing on until you’re so far away it almost feels like you’ve started over. I can’t erase the past. I can try to create the future but that takes work. Am I willing to work for it? I want to say yes because that the sensible and most reasonable response but my heart does not follow the same logical reasoning. I know a little can mean a lot but knowing a little doesn’t mean knowing a lot. 

Envy

I envy you,
But I shouldn’t do that.
Why?
I’m not destroying anything,
I’m simply sad,
Because I don’t have your good fortunes,
Your good looks,
Your life.
So I envy you,
Because I don’t have that.
Why does that make me bad?
Can I not drown in my own bitterness?
I’m not stealing your happiness.
I’m simply jealous.
I just want what you have.

We all want to be important, but we’re not.
We all want to be special, but we’re not.
We all want to be remembered, but we won’t.
So we’re just going to have to try our best with what we’ve got.

A Patch Of Grass

WARNING: I apologize in advance. This is actually really boring! 

I was walking home today when I came upon a giant pile of ants. As I blindly climbed over them, I began to wonder how tragic it is to be an ant. I don’t know how they recognize one another but to the human naked eye, they’re all the same, pest, insects we’ve never been fond off. Little black annoying creepy crawling bugs. The life of an ant must not be very fun. Then I looked at the patch of grass on the sidewalk and I realized something:

The world is the soil on which the grass (a metaphor for us, humans) are rooted on. There are short strands and long strands, withered strands and fresh green ones. Then there are tiny dry yellowed dead patches sprinkled amongst the living. And each strand of grass is unaware of their neighbors. It’s sad really because life is kind of similar in a way. We don’t notice the difference in each individual, we only see whats bright and eye-catching, the wild flowers, or the bad prickly weed. We are only attracted to the good or the bad, the rest is ignored.

Sorry, I can be really boring. Who talks about grass? Well, seems like I do. I’ve been on a break for a while now. I’m really busy doing nothing right now or in other words: I’m too lazy and unmotivated to do anything productive so I apologize for the lack of posts. I also have a huge problem of commitment. I should put a warning sign up. Yeah, I might do that.

Ok then, goodnight (in my time zone). 

 

A Paradoxical Day

If there is ever a day where you win the lottery, you’ll be very happy, wouldn’t you? But what if, on that same day, your mother dies?
It’s certainly a day you’d never forget. What would you do? How would you feel? Should you be happy or sad? Excited or depressed? Is that a good day or a bad day?
That’s the day I’ve had today. Not necessary as dramatic and intense but I wouldn’t know how else to describe it to you.
I hope nobody experiences something like the scenario I gave. That would truly suck. You’ll want to be happy about your win but at the same time, you’re sad about your loss.
It’s life. We are neither winners or losers.
We’re the in-between where we exchange something to gain something else.
If we were rich, we’d exchange our wealth for a better health. If we are poor, we’d exchange our health for more wealth.
Sometimes, there are more unfortunate ones whom has neither good wealth or good health. They have nothing to exchange and so they are reduced to nothing. I think a good life is a balance of both.
Health = Wealth
Money is the answer to half of everything. You are the answer to the other half.
I hope you had a better day than I did.

20131205-234233.jpg

At The Beach…

I’m alone on the swing. He strolls over to accompany me. The seat next to mine remains empty. He stands by the pole supporting my swing and looks at me with his piecing blue eyes. 

“Hi”, he says in his slightly accented voice. 

I look at him and he continues, “What’s going on in your head right now?”. 

I tell him the truth, “I just love swings, they’re amazing, you sit on them, you feet pushes you off the ground and you swing to freedom, you think you’re flying but you’re not really, you’re not free at all, in fact, you’re held, bounded, by the very swing you thought that set you free, it’s deception at its best because you don’t feel these limits at first until you start to push the limits, you want to go over these boundries, you find it’s extremely difficult, and what you thought was once a fun and harmless thing could break and hurt you”. 

“That is what I’m thinking about”, I concluded. 

“Woah!”, he reliefs a huge sigh he’s been holding in while I made my impromptu speech. 

But that is not what happened yesterday.

I saw him and turned away, I was seated, not on a swing, but on a wooden seat. He never turned or looked in my direction. Not once did he acknowledge my existence. He didn’t have to, we did not know one another. I glanced at him when he turned away, I tried to follow him from a mile away. I saw how he looked at her and I knew. He was hooked into her like I am to him. I understand, she is everything I am not, and everything I wanted to be in that moment but life works in mysterious ways, we think we have it figured out and the jigsaw puzzle will never be complete, we will not know everything there is to know about everything. Sometimes it’s better not to know the answers to the truth, to be excited by the mystery of this truth than be haunted by the truth. I know deep down that I am never good enough and I will never be good enough. I wish this wasn’t the case but life is not a wish granting genie, we have what we don’t want but what we need, we must cherish this so our needs do not become our wants, we never get what we want anyway, not really. I am sadden by this fact but at the same time I am happy he has found joy with her. 

I’ll let him go as I return home from the day of events. I don’t know if I’ll cry. I guess I’ll find out tonight. 

Sorry if you expected a nice romantic love story, it’s a Romeo and Juliet except there is no blood and I am neither Romeo or Juliet. 

Thank you for wasting your time, I really do greatly appreciate it.