Like the unforgivable night,


Like the dark thoughts running in my mind,


Like the bone chilling cold,


Like the last breath it stole,


Like the last chance to survive,


Like there is no other way to life,


Why does everything have to be this way?


Why can I not say what I want to say?


Why do I have to change to fit in? 


Why do I have to fight for freedom? 


Why won’t I have a chance at happiness? 


Why is is so difficult to feel less worthless? 


Where Do I Begin?

Dear Reader,
I’m not ok. I’m sure you know that by now. I know there are some people out there who genuinely care and there are those who are just genuinely interested. Whichever category you belong to, I thank you. I thank you for your time, your patience, and your wasted energy at reading these pathetic posts. I thank you for doing the very things my so-called “beloved” ones choose to ignore and abandon.
Since starting this blog, I’ve come to realise the suicide is not the solution. I really hope those who think it is will eventually see. But also note that it is temptation at weak moments like these. It’s the easy way out. Everyone makes mistakes, I just hope I won’t regret making this one when the time comes.
People are not aware of what happens behind closed doors, a happy family could be a false cover, a facade. I know mine is.
These situations occur almost at chance. They’re unpredictable and unspeakable. This is why I thank the invention of technology. Maybe nobody will ever see this but I feel like I am talking to someone.
I have no idea what to do with my life. I want to continue living, I want to move out, I want to have nothing to do with any of these people ever again. None of which is possible without money. Money; it is a man’s best friend and worse enemy.
Money is the language of our society. It’s what keeps those who need help in the quiet dark and it’s what frees the criminals that should be jailed.
I’m sorry. I said this would be a personal post and yet with every word I’m typing, I’m straying further from the truth of this situation. I’m protecting the people who are hurting me, who have hurt me all my life.
I’m sure you know who they are….
People whom I can never cleanse myself from because at the end of the day, we are related by blood.
A normal person would associated the word “family” with love and comfort. I feel nothing. I have a deeper understanding for the word ‘hatred’ than the word ‘family’. I wish I didn’t but….
I’m sitting in the only room with a lock. It’s not strong but it provides barrier…
It’s always so cold in here.
None of this makes sense and I apologise again. I’m not going to expose them, I didn’t put myself through all this pain to expose them now but I do fear that if this continues any longer, I will be gone forever.
I just want to leave.

Situations like these always begin small. It would be overlooked by some people because of it’s minority. I am part of that minority.
It started a few hours ago I suppose. My youngest sibling (who is regarded to to be the most important in this household) attacked me. I defended by counter-attacking. I am bullied by the eldest of this family, I will not tolerate abuse from both sides. Of corse, they only witnessed the part where I counter attacked (although it was obvious to even the most simple minded that I was defending myself). My ‘I treat everybody equally’ mother yelled at me. And this younger sibling fuelled the situation by mocking pain. I know what pain is and it did not sound like pain. This enraged my mother so I defended myself verbally. Here is where all logic become buried and only arbitrary rules are the social norm.
1). I was not to speak back when she is supposedly ‘teaching’ me a lesson
2). This lesson revolved around the ‘fact’ that I could have caused long term injury to my sibling.
3). My sibling is still ‘young’ and in the development mode. I should have handled it without aggression or in other words, I should have stood there and let my younger sibling beat the crap out of me in the exact same way as they do.
4). “I will fucking kill you if you do it again”.
That was a few hours ago.
I thought this situation have concluded when I ran to my room and cursed them.
About an hour ago….
They brought it up again. My mother involved my father this time. He’s a serious psychopath (without the aid of alcohol). I know alcoholics should not be excused but at the very least, you know their judgement was impaired during whatever crime they commit. My father is on a whole new level of psycho-“path”. I really don’t feel like talking about this now. I know that if they ever find this, that I’ve been feeding little secrets exposing them to the public, they will kill me. I’m not scared of death, I scared of the pain they can cause me before death is merciful. Speaking of different ways to torture someone, he’s definitely stepped up his threats. It used to be threatening to kill me but knowing that’s become slightly ineffective, he went and got a stun “torch” which he threatens to electrocute me with. I’m sure ownership of such a weapon is illegal without a licence but then again, what can I do about it? Nothing.
Nothing is always sensible.
My parents definition of a perfect child:
1). Say Nothing
2). Do Nothing
3). Be Nothing
What a joyful life.
It’s too bad I would most probably take my life before I ever fulfil their dreams.

Final Note:I do not need help. My answer may have been different ten years ago but that was the past, I’m neither stronger nor wiser but I know this storm is coming to an end, the pain is waning, and even if I do need help, nobody can help me. Everything comes at a cost and my price is seriously not worth it.
Whatever misfortune made you stumble upon this post and read through the entire thing, I hope you are well. And if you are not, just keep believing you will be because that’s what I’m hoping for and it’s what kept me here (alive) all these years.

I salute your kindness,

A little too late…

It’s such a little thing,
You’ll whisper it in my ear.
You say you’re teaching me,
The ways of life,
And how to speak.
I must be respectful,
To friends and family.

I tell you I am respectful,
I’m welcomed among my peers.
I smiled and greet those strangers,
Whose names I know not yet.
I’ll stay and talk all day,
Until they bore and take their leave.
So I ask this time after time,
How do I disrespect?

You hit me over the head,
And tell me to shut up instead.
Don’t talk back you’ll say,
As tears stream down my cheeks.
This is what I call disrespect,
Picking on the weak.
So I shut up like you said,
Yet you keep bringing it up again.

You say I turn a small problem,
Into a chaotic mess.
But I am not the one,
Stirring up trouble,
Until you can win again.
You arbitrary lies may have convinced you,
But they’ll never distort my view.
You may imprison my body and soul,
But my mind will be free to think.

You say you have the right to abuse me,
And do whatever you please.
Because deep in your heart,
There is no joy or spark,
For the child you once cradled.
You drove me to my mental illness,
You left behind physical scars,
And to this day,
This very day,
You’ve never regretted a single part.

You were suppose to be the people,
Who should love me unconditionally.
The very place I should have received love,
You left me a countless number of scars.
If I had a choice about my birth,
I truly wish you me aborted,
If only I had died in your womb,
A single miscarriage or two.
The most heartbreaking thing I know is,
The painful truth of it all,
You would grief and love the unborn me,
More than you could ever love me.


At nine years old,
I wanted to end my life.
At nine years old,
I shouldn’t feel like this.
At nine year old,
I shouldn’t know what suicide is.

But thanks to you,
At nine years old,
I did.

When I was ten,
I realised you didn’t love me,
When I was ten,
You left a painful memory.
When I was ten,
I lay down in my bed,
With a teared soaked pillow,
Wishing again I was dead.
When I was ten,
I still believed in fairies,
When I was ten,
I thought my Prince Charming would rescue me.

All these years,
I’ve suffered your hatred.
After all these years,
I’ve been turned cold.
After all these years,
You’ve induced a monster in me.
All these years,
I’ve not had a single nightmare.
Because within all these years,
Reality has been my worse nightmare.

I haven’t held on to let go so easily.