Silence

Like the unforgivable night,

Silence.

Like the dark thoughts running in my mind,

Silence.

Like the bone chilling cold,

Silence.

Like the last breath it stole,

Silence.

Like the last chance to survive,

Silence.

Like there is no other way to life,

Silence.

Why does everything have to be this way?

Silence.

Why can I not say what I want to say?

Silence.

Why do I have to change to fit in? 

Silence.

Why do I have to fight for freedom? 

Silence.

Why won’t I have a chance at happiness? 

Silence.

Why is is so difficult to feel less worthless? 

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A Chain of Events

An estranged whimper escapes my tongue,
A street of strangers stares me down,
Some politely offer help,
I reject and deny again.
I appreciate your kindness but it could not accommodate me.
I run towards the only peace I know,
The bells sing an hour has gone.
I race up to the helping hands,
Only to be chased away by ants.
Next came the statue of peace,
Where dead soldier lies with liberty.
I can only think back to the time,
Where my friend and I sat discussing life.
Now I am here all alone,
Discussing life on my own.
An old man walks by twice,
Maybe the third time he would ask me why?
It turns my weak bladder control,
Sent me sprinting for toilet rolls.
A half hour left until it close,
A half hour for somewhere to go.

When seven came,
I went back home.
Scared and frightened,
More than before.

When nine came,
I walk in the dark,
An hour long,
All sixty minutes of luck.

When midnight came,
I wrote this down.
Hoping someday possibly one day,
I will never have to count.

Losing Self Control

The things we desired the most,
Are those that should be locked or closed.
The small accumulation of an obsession,
Can make us deny all logical reason.
It is true we can sell our soul,
For a moment of the euphoria ghost.
We lose track of day and season,
Reality is a long reach from our emotion.
Such is that of a careless addiction,
That can spiral beyond our control.
Once we make that initial decision,
We are committed to a lifelong treason.
The bad habits we make use of doing,
Becomes our own hell and undoing.
We create our own prison cell,
When we lose control of ourselves.
We convince ourselves it can be stop at anytime,
Tomorrow tomorrow we will abide.
We become the master of deception,
Associate our weakness with confusion.
The bag of lies we tell others,
Strips away our saviours.
Slowly and slowly we begin to lose sanity,
Until we cannot stop living in fantasy.
The guilt and shame eventually fades,
We are so consumed by what we cannot change.

The key to life is dramatically simple,
So why is it so unattainable?

Nothing

At nine years old,
I wanted to end my life.
At nine years old,
I shouldn’t feel like this.
At nine year old,
I shouldn’t know what suicide is.

But thanks to you,
At nine years old,
I did.

When I was ten,
I realised you didn’t love me,
When I was ten,
You left a painful memory.
When I was ten,
I lay down in my bed,
With a teared soaked pillow,
Wishing again I was dead.
When I was ten,
I still believed in fairies,
When I was ten,
I thought my Prince Charming would rescue me.

All these years,
I’ve suffered your hatred.
After all these years,
I’ve been turned cold.
After all these years,
You’ve induced a monster in me.
All these years,
I’ve not had a single nightmare.
Because within all these years,
Reality has been my worse nightmare.

I haven’t held on to let go so easily.

Demon

Warning: Times are dark right now, I’m sorry for the negativity.

Do you enjoy it when I am in pain?
Does it excite you to beat me insane?
It makes me think you’re obsessed,
With beating me to death.
You find the most absurd excuses,
You know I have nothing to lose,
I have nothing left,
Nothing left for you to destroy.
Except maybe my soul,
Not that you would know,
Demons don’t have souls.
You know that I loathe you,
That’s also nothing new.
I pray to god you go to hell,
Only I know that’s where I’ll be as well.
I don’t believe in God,
Because you exist,
God wouldn’t be so careless,
If God did exist.
I can’t go on any further without risking exposure,
But you know who you are,
You are the monster I cannot defeat,
While you feast on meat,
I lose more sleep,
My shield is crumbling,
That must make you happy.

I hate you.