Where Do I Begin?

PERSONAL
Dear Reader,
I’m not ok. I’m sure you know that by now. I know there are some people out there who genuinely care and there are those who are just genuinely interested. Whichever category you belong to, I thank you. I thank you for your time, your patience, and your wasted energy at reading these pathetic posts. I thank you for doing the very things my so-called “beloved” ones choose to ignore and abandon.
Since starting this blog, I’ve come to realise the suicide is not the solution. I really hope those who think it is will eventually see. But also note that it is temptation at weak moments like these. It’s the easy way out. Everyone makes mistakes, I just hope I won’t regret making this one when the time comes.
People are not aware of what happens behind closed doors, a happy family could be a false cover, a facade. I know mine is.
These situations occur almost at chance. They’re unpredictable and unspeakable. This is why I thank the invention of technology. Maybe nobody will ever see this but I feel like I am talking to someone.
I have no idea what to do with my life. I want to continue living, I want to move out, I want to have nothing to do with any of these people ever again. None of which is possible without money. Money; it is a man’s best friend and worse enemy.
Money is the language of our society. It’s what keeps those who need help in the quiet dark and it’s what frees the criminals that should be jailed.
I’m sorry. I said this would be a personal post and yet with every word I’m typing, I’m straying further from the truth of this situation. I’m protecting the people who are hurting me, who have hurt me all my life.
I’m sure you know who they are….
People whom I can never cleanse myself from because at the end of the day, we are related by blood.
Family
A normal person would associated the word “family” with love and comfort. I feel nothing. I have a deeper understanding for the word ‘hatred’ than the word ‘family’. I wish I didn’t but….
I’m sitting in the only room with a lock. It’s not strong but it provides barrier…
It’s always so cold in here.
None of this makes sense and I apologise again. I’m not going to expose them, I didn’t put myself through all this pain to expose them now but I do fear that if this continues any longer, I will be gone forever.
I just want to leave.

Situations like these always begin small. It would be overlooked by some people because of it’s minority. I am part of that minority.
It started a few hours ago I suppose. My youngest sibling (who is regarded to to be the most important in this household) attacked me. I defended by counter-attacking. I am bullied by the eldest of this family, I will not tolerate abuse from both sides. Of corse, they only witnessed the part where I counter attacked (although it was obvious to even the most simple minded that I was defending myself). My ‘I treat everybody equally’ mother yelled at me. And this younger sibling fuelled the situation by mocking pain. I know what pain is and it did not sound like pain. This enraged my mother so I defended myself verbally. Here is where all logic become buried and only arbitrary rules are the social norm.
1). I was not to speak back when she is supposedly ‘teaching’ me a lesson
2). This lesson revolved around the ‘fact’ that I could have caused long term injury to my sibling.
3). My sibling is still ‘young’ and in the development mode. I should have handled it without aggression or in other words, I should have stood there and let my younger sibling beat the crap out of me in the exact same way as they do.
4). “I will fucking kill you if you do it again”.
That was a few hours ago.
I thought this situation have concluded when I ran to my room and cursed them.
About an hour ago….
They brought it up again. My mother involved my father this time. He’s a serious psychopath (without the aid of alcohol). I know alcoholics should not be excused but at the very least, you know their judgement was impaired during whatever crime they commit. My father is on a whole new level of psycho-“path”. I really don’t feel like talking about this now. I know that if they ever find this, that I’ve been feeding little secrets exposing them to the public, they will kill me. I’m not scared of death, I scared of the pain they can cause me before death is merciful. Speaking of different ways to torture someone, he’s definitely stepped up his threats. It used to be threatening to kill me but knowing that’s become slightly ineffective, he went and got a stun “torch” which he threatens to electrocute me with. I’m sure ownership of such a weapon is illegal without a licence but then again, what can I do about it? Nothing.
Nothing is always sensible.
My parents definition of a perfect child:
1). Say Nothing
2). Do Nothing
3). Be Nothing
What a joyful life.
It’s too bad I would most probably take my life before I ever fulfil their dreams.

Final Note:I do not need help. My answer may have been different ten years ago but that was the past, I’m neither stronger nor wiser but I know this storm is coming to an end, the pain is waning, and even if I do need help, nobody can help me. Everything comes at a cost and my price is seriously not worth it.
AND
Whatever misfortune made you stumble upon this post and read through the entire thing, I hope you are well. And if you are not, just keep believing you will be because that’s what I’m hoping for and it’s what kept me here (alive) all these years.

I salute your kindness,
-FuturePresentsPast

Advertisements

A little too late…

It’s such a little thing,
You’ll whisper it in my ear.
You say you’re teaching me,
The ways of life,
And how to speak.
I must be respectful,
To friends and family.

I tell you I am respectful,
I’m welcomed among my peers.
I smiled and greet those strangers,
Whose names I know not yet.
I’ll stay and talk all day,
Until they bore and take their leave.
So I ask this time after time,
How do I disrespect?

You hit me over the head,
And tell me to shut up instead.
Don’t talk back you’ll say,
As tears stream down my cheeks.
This is what I call disrespect,
Picking on the weak.
So I shut up like you said,
Yet you keep bringing it up again.

You say I turn a small problem,
Into a chaotic mess.
But I am not the one,
Stirring up trouble,
Until you can win again.
You arbitrary lies may have convinced you,
But they’ll never distort my view.
You may imprison my body and soul,
But my mind will be free to think.

You say you have the right to abuse me,
And do whatever you please.
Because deep in your heart,
There is no joy or spark,
For the child you once cradled.
You drove me to my mental illness,
You left behind physical scars,
And to this day,
This very day,
You’ve never regretted a single part.

You were suppose to be the people,
Who should love me unconditionally.
The very place I should have received love,
You left me a countless number of scars.
If I had a choice about my birth,
I truly wish you me aborted,
If only I had died in your womb,
A single miscarriage or two.
The most heartbreaking thing I know is,
The painful truth of it all,
You would grief and love the unborn me,
More than you could ever love me.

A Dying Confession:

i am suicidal
I am Strong
i’m sorry i ever bothered you
I’m Moving On

i can’t feel anymore
I Am Painless
everything alive feels dead
I Am Now Free
from the emotions of life

I Want To Live
but everything is dead inside
I Want To Shine
but my light is dying

I Am My Own Fire
waiting to burn myself alive
I Will Not Die
that was a lie

sometimes, it is important to focus on the other half

– FuturePresentsPast

Demon

Warning: Times are dark right now, I’m sorry for the negativity.

Do you enjoy it when I am in pain?
Does it excite you to beat me insane?
It makes me think you’re obsessed,
With beating me to death.
You find the most absurd excuses,
You know I have nothing to lose,
I have nothing left,
Nothing left for you to destroy.
Except maybe my soul,
Not that you would know,
Demons don’t have souls.
You know that I loathe you,
That’s also nothing new.
I pray to god you go to hell,
Only I know that’s where I’ll be as well.
I don’t believe in God,
Because you exist,
God wouldn’t be so careless,
If God did exist.
I can’t go on any further without risking exposure,
But you know who you are,
You are the monster I cannot defeat,
While you feast on meat,
I lose more sleep,
My shield is crumbling,
That must make you happy.

I hate you.

A Variety of Things

I cannot say I am a writer because I do not consider myself to be one. The main reason is probably because I’m not very good at writing but I do however love to write. It’s rare to find something we enjoy that we are not naturally brilliant at. Well, I find it weird anyway.

I think being able to write allows anyone to escape the pains of reality into a realm of fantasy. Writing and dreams go hand in hand, they are both something we can create using our own personal imagination. It’s what makes everyone different and unique. We can imagine, create, write, dream, and do so many different things that no one else but only you had thought of and yet when we expose our creations to the world, many others agree and likes our ideas. We think alike but not identical. They say we all go through life the same way: BIRTH, GROWTH, SCHOOL, WORK, DEATH but that’s looking at the big picture, it’s like aliens looking down upon earth. All humans look the same from that far, they might not even notice the different races or ages or sex. So yes, you can argue we all do the same thing and sometimes I think that’s really sad but that’s not true. The truth is, we all go through life differently, our steps sets our pace and our decisions sets our path. Some paths are short lived whilst others may be so long, it is hard to determine when the destination will be but one thing is for sure, we will all arrive upon the destination of death but it’s what we took from the experiences to get there that matters the most. Why be so determined to reach our destination when we all know what happens? Why not enjoy the adventure right now before you get there? Because I don’t know if anyone’s told you but once it’s over, it over. There is NO RESTART.

Enjoy it while you can!

Death And Peace

You know the common saying everyone is ‘forced’ to use to consolidate a family or friend with a loss, “May You Rest In Peace”. It’s a nice way to say your farewell and let the dead to pass on peacefully onto the afterlife. Who came up with it anyway? Everything is discovered at some point or someone somewhere knew about it before anyone else did.

I don’t know what I’m talking about to be honest. I know Nelson Mandela passed on today. I liked him though I never knew him personal enough to truly like him. I guess my definition of, “like” regarding this subject is respect. I respect what he did to this world but at the same time I’m not sad about his death. Does that make me a terrible person? I’d like to think not. I’ll try to explain this in the best possible way:

You see, I use to believe world peace was achievable. We want world peace, don’t we? So why can it not be brought about? The answer (to me) is because of life. Life is what stops peace because the mirrored image of death is peace. Only when we are dead, we can truly be at peace. So for world peace to happen, we’d all have to die. That doesn’t sound very positive or lively to me. So I stopped believing in world peace.

But I believe there is a balance in things, and everything unbalance will eventually be restored to an equilibrium.

I think death is a reward we have to earn. A natural death. By natural death, I mean the peace we deserve after the many ups and downs we go through in life. At the end of our journey, we are rewarded with the ability to rest in peace forever and pass on our adventures to the younger generations. It sounds depressing but I think it’s marvellous. It’s like, finally being able to sleep after a long hard working day, except I’m the case if death, it’s an eternal sleep. So that is why we have to make the most out of everyday we are allowed to live because no matter how tired you get at the end, you have eternity to rest and eternity is a pretty long time.

And of corse, those who die of unnatural deaths such as suicide or homicide, I’m not sure if they’ll truly find peace because they didn’t live enough to deserve a peaceful death. I think you have to work for death and peace, it’s not a reward you can just choose to have and if you did, you disrupt the balance of (ok, call me cliche) the universe which may ultimately affect your death and thus your peace. Death chooses you, it doesn’t sound like a very good reward right now because you haven’t reach your destination yet but when you get there, death will become very welcoming for you. It may even be slightly scary but if you’ve lived your life correctly, you’ll know that every challenge is exciting, even death.

I sure this doesn’t make any sense. So live a life you want whether it is wild and free or long and healthy. And I hope when the time comes for you to pass on to peace, you’ll welcome it like it long waited family member into your arms.

Please don’t let it be today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon but when the time is right, I hope you have a death that will let you rest in peace.

I also found this today:

20131206-232713.jpg