Like the unforgivable night,
Like the dark thoughts running in my mind,
Like the bone chilling cold,
Like the last breath it stole,
Like the last chance to survive,
Like there is no other way to life,
Why does everything have to be this way?
Why can I not say what I want to say?
Why do I have to change to fit in?
Why do I have to fight for freedom?
Why won’t I have a chance at happiness?
Why is is so difficult to feel less worthless?
Rejections suck but not getting anywhere sucks even more.
There are many things I wish I was better at. I can’t say I haven’t tried but I also can’t say I’ve tried very hard.
As human beings, it is in our nature to resort to the things that are easy and simple. It goes against our nature to exert effort to work for something. And usually that only happens if the rewards outweigh the work efforts. No one works for free. Even volunteers are gaining the experience or the title of selflessness.
What inspired me to make this post is the process of checking my emails. I found that the most dangerous habit I have become accustomed to is to mark emails I have opened as “unread” to deal with it at a later stage but in this day and age, our inbox are so frequently visited by mail that the old ones are drowned in masses of junk and we tend to forget what’s not there.
So instead of leaving the decision making for the future, decide upon it now. Because when you do things in the future it is thrown into your past which is why bad habits are hard to quit because good habits are thrown in between the time zones of the future and the past and miss the opportunity to exist in the present.
So I will leave this post with one final note, “All good things require sacrifice” because you have to sacrifice time in the present to change your way of living.
Leave me a comment on “What you are willing to sacrifice your present time for?“
That’s what it feels like doesn’t it? The future, I mean. A path unknown like a path to no where but every step we take is somewhere and every step into somewhere is a step into the future.
And just like the future, I have no idea where this post is going. I don’t have an excuse or an explanation to describe why I stopped writing for two years (well, almost two years). I guessed I got shy to expose so many of my secrets online (even though it may be anonymous). I don’t know why I started writing again. I thought I stopped because I found happiness. And maybe because this blog contains the scars I could not carry so I couldn’t bring myself to be exposed to it again.
I don’t know who reads these posts and I don’t know why but I’m going to keep writing anyway because that’s what I feel like doing in the present. I’m too tired to remember the burden of the past and I’m too nervous to focus on the mysteries of the future so I’ll just appreciate what is happening now.
And right now, my family is playing a card game while I’m sitting in the dining room writing. I should probably join them onto the path to no where.
We’ve never given much thought about these tiny little bones. Not until we can sense the cavity that has weakened our enamel. Or the sharp pain upon which it comes into contact with an unforgiving taste. They’re almost as vital as the other ‘officially’ important organs to keep us alive. Yet we regard so little of them. We pay so little attention to them until they have become damaged. To the point where no reparation can ever restore their beauty and functionality.
In a way, it is a metaphor for us. We may seem insignificantly small. People may ignore us for long periods of time forgetting our existence until we cease to exit. That’s when the pain hits. That’s when the guilt begins.
Nobody is unworthy until they have become a decayed tooth. Everyone has a purpose as long as they live. Remember that, remember your teeth. Take care of yourself and take care of others. You are not useless until you’re dead.
I’m not ok. I’m sure you know that by now. I know there are some people out there who genuinely care and there are those who are just genuinely interested. Whichever category you belong to, I thank you. I thank you for your time, your patience, and your wasted energy at reading these pathetic posts. I thank you for doing the very things my so-called “beloved” ones choose to ignore and abandon.
Since starting this blog, I’ve come to realise the suicide is not the solution. I really hope those who think it is will eventually see. But also note that it is temptation at weak moments like these. It’s the easy way out. Everyone makes mistakes, I just hope I won’t regret making this one when the time comes.
People are not aware of what happens behind closed doors, a happy family could be a false cover, a facade. I know mine is.
These situations occur almost at chance. They’re unpredictable and unspeakable. This is why I thank the invention of technology. Maybe nobody will ever see this but I feel like I am talking to someone.
I have no idea what to do with my life. I want to continue living, I want to move out, I want to have nothing to do with any of these people ever again. None of which is possible without money. Money; it is a man’s best friend and worse enemy.
Money is the language of our society. It’s what keeps those who need help in the quiet dark and it’s what frees the criminals that should be jailed.
I’m sorry. I said this would be a personal post and yet with every word I’m typing, I’m straying further from the truth of this situation. I’m protecting the people who are hurting me, who have hurt me all my life.
I’m sure you know who they are….
People whom I can never cleanse myself from because at the end of the day, we are related by blood.
A normal person would associated the word “family” with love and comfort. I feel nothing. I have a deeper understanding for the word ‘hatred’ than the word ‘family’. I wish I didn’t but….
I’m sitting in the only room with a lock. It’s not strong but it provides barrier…
It’s always so cold in here.
None of this makes sense and I apologise again. I’m not going to expose them, I didn’t put myself through all this pain to expose them now but I do fear that if this continues any longer, I will be gone
I just want to leave.
Situations like these always begin small. It would be overlooked by some people because of it’s minority. I am part of that minority.
It started a few hours ago I suppose. My youngest sibling (who is regarded to to be the most important in this household) attacked me. I defended by counter-attacking. I am bullied by the eldest of this family, I will not tolerate abuse from both sides. Of corse, they only witnessed the part where I counter attacked (although it was obvious to even the most simple minded that I was defending myself). My ‘I treat everybody equally’ mother yelled at me. And this younger sibling fuelled the situation by mocking pain. I know what pain is and it did not sound like pain. This enraged my mother so I defended myself verbally. Here is where all logic become buried and only arbitrary rules are the social norm.
1). I was not to speak back when she is supposedly ‘teaching’ me a lesson
2). This lesson revolved around the ‘fact’ that I could have caused long term injury to my sibling.
3). My sibling is still ‘young’ and in the development mode. I should have handled it without aggression or in other words, I should have stood there and let my younger sibling beat the crap out of me in the exact same way as they do.
4). “I will fucking kill you if you do it again”.
That was a few hours ago.
I thought this situation have concluded when I ran to my room and cursed them.
About an hour ago….
They brought it up again. My mother involved my father this time. He’s a serious psychopath (without the aid of alcohol). I know alcoholics should not be excused but at the very least, you know their judgement was impaired during whatever crime they commit. My father is on a whole new level of psycho-“path”. I really don’t feel like talking about this now. I know that if they ever find this, that I’ve been feeding little secrets exposing them to the public, they will kill me. I’m not scared of death, I scared of the pain they can cause me before death is merciful. Speaking of different ways to torture someone, he’s definitely stepped up his threats. It used to be threatening to kill me but knowing that’s become slightly ineffective, he went and got a stun “torch” which he threatens to electrocute me with. I’m sure ownership of such a weapon is illegal without a licence but then again, what can I do about it? Nothing.
Nothing is always sensible.
My parents definition of a perfect child:
1). Say Nothing
2). Do Nothing
3). Be Nothing
What a joyful life.
It’s too bad I would most probably take my life before I ever fulfil their dreams.
Final Note:I do not need help. My answer may have been different ten years ago but that was the past, I’m neither stronger nor wiser but I know this storm is coming to an end, the pain is waning, and even if I do need help, nobody can help me. Everything comes at a cost and my price is seriously not worth it.
Whatever misfortune made you stumble upon this post and read through the entire thing, I hope you are well. And if you are not, just keep believing you will be because that’s what I’m hoping for and it’s what kept me here (alive) all these years.
I salute your kindness,
When you have nothing left, you will always have hope.
It is the everything in the nothingness you’ll ever need.