Silence

Like the unforgivable night,

Silence.

Like the dark thoughts running in my mind,

Silence.

Like the bone chilling cold,

Silence.

Like the last breath it stole,

Silence.

Like the last chance to survive,

Silence.

Like there is no other way to life,

Silence.

Why does everything have to be this way?

Silence.

Why can I not say what I want to say?

Silence.

Why do I have to change to fit in? 

Silence.

Why do I have to fight for freedom? 

Silence.

Why won’t I have a chance at happiness? 

Silence.

Why is is so difficult to feel less worthless? 

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At The Beach…

I’m alone on the swing. He strolls over to accompany me. The seat next to mine remains empty. He stands by the pole supporting my swing and looks at me with his piecing blue eyes. 

“Hi”, he says in his slightly accented voice. 

I look at him and he continues, “What’s going on in your head right now?”. 

I tell him the truth, “I just love swings, they’re amazing, you sit on them, you feet pushes you off the ground and you swing to freedom, you think you’re flying but you’re not really, you’re not free at all, in fact, you’re held, bounded, by the very swing you thought that set you free, it’s deception at its best because you don’t feel these limits at first until you start to push the limits, you want to go over these boundries, you find it’s extremely difficult, and what you thought was once a fun and harmless thing could break and hurt you”. 

“That is what I’m thinking about”, I concluded. 

“Woah!”, he reliefs a huge sigh he’s been holding in while I made my impromptu speech. 

But that is not what happened yesterday.

I saw him and turned away, I was seated, not on a swing, but on a wooden seat. He never turned or looked in my direction. Not once did he acknowledge my existence. He didn’t have to, we did not know one another. I glanced at him when he turned away, I tried to follow him from a mile away. I saw how he looked at her and I knew. He was hooked into her like I am to him. I understand, she is everything I am not, and everything I wanted to be in that moment but life works in mysterious ways, we think we have it figured out and the jigsaw puzzle will never be complete, we will not know everything there is to know about everything. Sometimes it’s better not to know the answers to the truth, to be excited by the mystery of this truth than be haunted by the truth. I know deep down that I am never good enough and I will never be good enough. I wish this wasn’t the case but life is not a wish granting genie, we have what we don’t want but what we need, we must cherish this so our needs do not become our wants, we never get what we want anyway, not really. I am sadden by this fact but at the same time I am happy he has found joy with her. 

I’ll let him go as I return home from the day of events. I don’t know if I’ll cry. I guess I’ll find out tonight. 

Sorry if you expected a nice romantic love story, it’s a Romeo and Juliet except there is no blood and I am neither Romeo or Juliet. 

Thank you for wasting your time, I really do greatly appreciate it.