Like the unforgivable night,
Like the dark thoughts running in my mind,
Like the bone chilling cold,
Like the last breath it stole,
Like the last chance to survive,
Like there is no other way to life,
Why does everything have to be this way?
Why can I not say what I want to say?
Why do I have to change to fit in?
Why do I have to fight for freedom?
Why won’t I have a chance at happiness?
Why is is so difficult to feel less worthless?
That’s what it feels like doesn’t it? The future, I mean. A path unknown like a path to no where but every step we take is somewhere and every step into somewhere is a step into the future.
And just like the future, I have no idea where this post is going. I don’t have an excuse or an explanation to describe why I stopped writing for two years (well, almost two years). I guessed I got shy to expose so many of my secrets online (even though it may be anonymous). I don’t know why I started writing again. I thought I stopped because I found happiness. And maybe because this blog contains the scars I could not carry so I couldn’t bring myself to be exposed to it again.
I don’t know who reads these posts and I don’t know why but I’m going to keep writing anyway because that’s what I feel like doing in the present. I’m too tired to remember the burden of the past and I’m too nervous to focus on the mysteries of the future so I’ll just appreciate what is happening now.
And right now, my family is playing a card game while I’m sitting in the dining room writing. I should probably join them onto the path to no where.
The things we desired the most,
Are those that should be locked or closed.
The small accumulation of an obsession,
Can make us deny all logical reason.
It is true we can sell our soul,
For a moment of the euphoria ghost.
We lose track of day and season,
Reality is a long reach from our emotion.
Such is that of a careless addiction,
That can spiral beyond our control.
Once we make that initial decision,
We are committed to a lifelong treason.
The bad habits we make use of doing,
Becomes our own hell and undoing.
We create our own prison cell,
When we lose control of ourselves.
We convince ourselves it can be stop at anytime,
Tomorrow tomorrow we will abide.
We become the master of deception,
Associate our weakness with confusion.
The bag of lies we tell others,
Strips away our saviours.
Slowly and slowly we begin to lose sanity,
Until we cannot stop living in fantasy.
The guilt and shame eventually fades,
We are so consumed by what we cannot change.
The key to life is dramatically simple,
So why is it so unattainable?
I envy you,
But I shouldn’t do that.
I’m not destroying anything,
I’m simply sad,
Because I don’t have your good fortunes,
Your good looks,
So I envy you,
Because I don’t have that.
Why does that make me bad?
Can I not drown in my own bitterness?
I’m not stealing your happiness.
I’m simply jealous.
I just want what you have.
We all want to be important, but we’re not.
We all want to be special, but we’re not.
We all want to be remembered, but we won’t.
So we’re just going to have to try our best with what we’ve got.
i am suicidal
I am Strong
i’m sorry i ever bothered you
I’m Moving On
i can’t feel anymore
I Am Painless
everything alive feels dead
I Am Now Free
from the emotions of life
I Want To Live
but everything is dead inside
I Want To Shine
but my light is dying
I Am My Own Fire
waiting to burn myself alive
I Will Not Die
that was a lie
sometimes, it is important to focus on the other half
I cannot say I am a writer because I do not consider myself to be one. The main reason is probably because I’m not very good at writing but I do however love to write. It’s rare to find something we enjoy that we are not naturally brilliant at. Well, I find it weird anyway.
I think being able to write allows anyone to escape the pains of reality into a realm of fantasy. Writing and dreams go hand in hand, they are both something we can create using our own personal imagination. It’s what makes everyone different and unique. We can imagine, create, write, dream, and do so many different things that no one else but only you had thought of and yet when we expose our creations to the world, many others agree and likes our ideas. We think alike but not identical. They say we all go through life the same way: BIRTH, GROWTH, SCHOOL, WORK, DEATH but that’s looking at the big picture, it’s like aliens looking down upon earth. All humans look the same from that far, they might not even notice the different races or ages or sex. So yes, you can argue we all do the same thing and sometimes I think that’s really sad but that’s not true. The truth is, we all go through life differently, our steps sets our pace and our decisions sets our path. Some paths are short lived whilst others may be so long, it is hard to determine when the destination will be but one thing is for sure, we will all arrive upon the destination of death but it’s what we took from the experiences to get there that matters the most. Why be so determined to reach our destination when we all know what happens? Why not enjoy the adventure right now before you get there? Because I don’t know if anyone’s told you but once it’s over, it over. There is NO RESTART.
Enjoy it while you can!