Silence

Like the unforgivable night,

Silence.

Like the dark thoughts running in my mind,

Silence.

Like the bone chilling cold,

Silence.

Like the last breath it stole,

Silence.

Like the last chance to survive,

Silence.

Like there is no other way to life,

Silence.

Why does everything have to be this way?

Silence.

Why can I not say what I want to say?

Silence.

Why do I have to change to fit in? 

Silence.

Why do I have to fight for freedom? 

Silence.

Why won’t I have a chance at happiness? 

Silence.

Why is is so difficult to feel less worthless? 

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Dear Alex,

I tried to write to you in York,

I felt like a super dork.

It was really late at night,

So I scraped the idea and turned off the light. 
I tried to write to you again the next night,

I couldn’t think of the right words in my mind.

I was sharing a bed with a friend, 

It was not a moment to recreate the scene. 
I talked about how we meet in London,

You drank way too much for your first night in. 

I talked about our weird and perculiar coincidences,

I never thought I’ll meet a French Canadian.
I got so excited when you used to send me messages,

Even if it’s lame drunk pictures.

Remember that one of your tattooed arm? 

Thank god it was only a temporary charm.
I loved it when you sent me coco videos,

You stopped it a while ago.

I guess I should have taken note,

Like those music clips to piece back your ego.
I don’t want to remember you now,

I don’t want to know if you’re doing well.
It’s funny that I still care,
More than that London Jenga dare. 

If you ever find this post,

I hope I have let you go.

And the month of memories we have,

Will be nothing but a ghost. 
Yours Truly,

– The girl who accidentally fell for you

Finite Love

I have made the conclusion that love is limited. If it were unlimited, we would all be freed to love and give an infinite amount of love. I think we all want to believe that we can love infinitely but that just can’t be true. There are some things we love more than others, there are some people we will  love more than others and there will be thing and people that we will never love in our lives. We live to love but love doesn’t live on. I chose this topic today because I am afraid of love. I am afraid of finding people or things that will divide up my love for the people and things I currently love. It is possible to love equally but is it possible to love all things equally? And what amounts of love does it require to truly determine that you love someone or something. Is love when you choose to give up your life for the life of someone else? In that case I love all but myself. And yet I do not want to die, not because I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid it will hurt the people I love. But is choosing to live for the sake of other people a good reason to live? What if instead I had said, choosing to live for the sake of love because that’s what’s really happening. A choice to live is choosing not to hurt the ones who loves you and who you love back. So we arrive at a conflicting choice. And the best choice is to live. To live, to learn, to love. Live to learn, learn to love, love to live. It’s an endless cycle. But isn’t a cycle an infinite figurative? It is. But this cycle is a circle. And each piece that gets divided up is allocated from somewhere. I don’t know how much pieces I can divide up, I do know who has the larger pieces and who doesn’t. So love is inaccurately depicted by the shape of a heart. Love has been romantized for too long. Love is about divide and conquer. That’s where the saying, “Win the heart” comes from. Love is competitive and if you don’t compete, you won’t get a piece. But fighting for something that isn’t yours will not get you anywhere and that is where love is also fragile. It can be easily conquered by the right person but no matter how strong or tough or persistent you are, if you are not the right one, you will never gain a piece big enough to win the heart over. I find love to be such an abstract thing to think about. Like outer space and questioning our purpose of existence. I always thought of myself as someone who could never love but I think I just haven’t found anyone who can outcompete the people and things that are holding the pieces of my love. Or maybe no one has bothered to compete for it. I guess that puts an end to our question for world peace. Peace is achieved by equal love but life isn’t fair, and just like life, nothing will ever be divided up evenly, love inclusive. I hope I do learn to divide up my love but I am also scared. I am scared to love because it’s another reason to live. Maybe I am scared to love because I am scared to live. So first, I have to live. Then I will learn to love. 

LiveLearnLove – maybe that’s my new PastPresentFuture. 

Loneliness

Three years ago I asked for independence. And three years later I got it. I don’t need to give you 13 reasons why. I only need to give you one. That one reason is me. We decide our own fate. Not other people. Yes, they can be a major influence on how we decide but the ultimate decision lies with us. The person who chooses to end a life is the person responsible so the person to blame really should be ourselves. You may disagree but a suicidal person is never quite right in the head. That, I can justify for sure. And no matter what you do, it always comes back to haunt you. It’s almost like an addiction, a temptation. Maybe that’s why society files us away into categories. Categories they don’t want to face with. Because the truth is ugly and painful. The truth is mental illness is an issue. It’s a problem everyone can face given enough stress. It’s not something we’re born with or inherited. It’s something we develop from the ongoing pressures of our environment. And it goes hand in hand with everything that causes depression.

The solution is simple, ask for help. But solutions are never simple. Nobody likes to admit that there is something wrong with them. I know for a fact that I would never ask for help myself (so am I a hypocrite?). Well, yes and no.

I’m lucky because I think I have a varying degree of bi-polarism or whatever shitty labels society has decided to put on it. When I’m in darkness I have someone there to help me find a way out. But some people are not so lucky. Maybe their vision has been blinded for so long. Maybe they have been left in the dark for too long. But nobody knows and that’s when things really do get shitty.

Everyone has a dark place, those who think they don’t are just blessed to never have been put under the stress to find it but having a dark place doesn’t mean we should get treated like we’re “sick and diseased”. The human mind is the most precious and fragile thing in the world and as cliche as this sounds, the best medication for it is love and nurture. Those that have been feed love and nurture all their lives are obviously more resistant to dark thoughts. Some are so strong they can completely repel from even thinking about it. Some of us, are not so lucky.

Having suicidal thoughts isn’t a necessary bad thing for me but like I said, I’m an odd case. I’ve always been an odd case. It makes me bolder in terms of living a bit more because I think to myself, “If I’m going to end my life right now, I might as well do all the things I was too scared to do before I end it” and that usually pushes me forward because I have a million things on my to-do-list so suicide can wait, for now.

Having gone through these thoughts more than once, I know things do eventually get better. So I think that’s the message I’m trying to get across today. It’s not the perfect solution to whatever dark place you’re currently in. But if the solution is to end your life, stop and think about all the other things you can do before you end your life. Because once you do, that’s it. There is no going back.

If life wants to treat you like shit, then shit on it first, don’t be the weaker one. Stand up for yourself and fight. Because you are the ultimate decider of your own fate, your own life. And if all else fails, seek help. I mean, what else have you got to lose anyway? You only have one life and trust me, your life is worth saving.

– FuturePresentsPast

A little A lot

I want to share something with you but I’m not sure what it is that I want to share. I feel uncertain all of a sudden. I don’t know how to describe it. I see people but I don’t. I’m smiling and laughing but my heart doesn’t really follow along to the beat of sound. I’m nodding and agreeing but I don’t know if I meant yes or no. I am a maybe and maybe there will be a miracle for me. I pray for the things I don’t believe in. I believe in getting the things I don’t believe I will ever get. I wish I wasn’t so confusing. I wish I could tell what I’m feeling because feeling uncertain is a really uncertain feeling. I’m tired but I can’t sleep. But I should sleep because I’m tired. I’ve lost senses to all things that make sense. Sometimes I wish I could clear my head and reset it. But we all know there is no start overs or do overs. There is only moving forward and pushing on until you’re so far away it almost feels like you’ve started over. I can’t erase the past. I can try to create the future but that takes work. Am I willing to work for it? I want to say yes because that the sensible and most reasonable response but my heart does not follow the same logical reasoning. I know a little can mean a lot but knowing a little doesn’t mean knowing a lot. 

Condescending 

This is dedicated to a friend of mine:

You’re so much better than me, 

Your grades, your looks, even your sugar daddies. 

You say you were bullied as a kid,

Then surely you understand the term ‘Condescending Judgement’. 

You told me your stories in confidence, 

You asked me to keep them a secret. 

Now I don’t understand how everyone knows, 

When my mouth has always been closed. 

Yes I know you won the genetics lottery,

Just remember that lottery isn’t a sustainable sorcery. 

You have so much experience in every field that concerns life, 

But that does not give you the right to indulge in mine. 

I can’t tell you this because I consider you a friend, 

But when have my friends ever been so condescending? 

I know you obsession with owning property, 

Is that why you’ve turned yourself so improperly? 

I’m a hypocrite for calling you condescending, 

Because my judgements are lesser than that of a friend.

But just because my morals don’t align with yours, 

Doesn’t mean I won’t listen to you at all.

And if I can spare a minute for your bullshit, 

Then why can’t you spare a second for my wit? 

Enjoy your free dish while you can,

Not everyone can rely on a man. 

Congratulations on your successes, 

I hope you won’t slept with more men past ten. 

And please keep boosting about the money you get,

At least I get to keep my weekends. 

You don’t schedule in time for friends,

Because you’re too busy flirting with older men.

So congratulations again on your successes my friend,

I may not be rich but as least I’m happy.