CruShed

It’s been two years now,

Since I first crushed.

It’s been two days now,

Since I was crushed.

I wish I could go back,

Before I was rushed.

I wish I could take back,

The note you crushed.

I can’t get it out of my head

The situation that turned so sour.

I wish I spoke to you instead,

Rather than write to you and cower.

I don’t really want to see you again,

I can’t think what I would want to say.

I don’t think I can deal with the pain.

Unless you can admit that you’re gay.

I know I should get over you,

Everyone is telling me to let go.

It really is the right thing to do,

But why am I struggling to do so?

I lie in bed on sleepless nights,

Awake at 2am in the morning.

Every time I close my eyes,

I see myself in mourning.

A love that has never existed,

Outside the confines of my mind.

Should have early been quitted,

Before I became cluelessly blind.

I wrote you love notes a many,

Most saw humiliation and shredding.

But none of this compare to any,

Of the embarrassment of giving.

I’ve had numerous hopes and dream,

About the future we could hold.

But now I can see,

It’s a story that will never unfold.

Like a song once sung by James Blunt,

Goodbye my lover.

You have been the one (for me),

But I was obviously not your significant other.

Struggling with competition

Everyone thinks I’m a competitive person. I’m rather the exact opposite. I hate competing against anyone for anything. I hate the pressure of being judged against someone else. I think I just hate the fact that there is a chance I will lose and that chance is pretty high considering it is me that I’m talking about. I just lost two competitions in two days and it makes me feel like such a loser. Like I’m not good enough to do anything useful. I think I’ve just got a lot of pent up anger in me and I need to get rid of it one way or another. Life is looking so dull and gloomy these days. I hate uncertainty. The deeper I go into the unknown, the more frighten I become but then I think back to when I didn’t care if I lived or not and everything seems normal again. I think that’s why I appear so calm outwardly. Because part of me doesn’t want to live, part of me is dead. I wonder if I’ll ever get to the day where I want to live longer but I can’t. That would equally suck too. Everything sucks. This blog post makes no sense but that’s because I’m exhausted. I don’t even know why I began to write this to begin with. Oh well. Life is full of mysteries just like life is full of miseries.

Sadness

It never goes away.

It’s like a scar,

Sometimes reminds you of pain.

Some scars can be covered up,

But sadness is not an art.

I am sad once again,

I know I over-complain.

It’s just who I am,

A hollow empty void,

That can never quite grasp joy.

I can’t associate it to anything,

Anymore,

Any longer.

It’s just me,

And I’m just sad.

And people say to me,

Well it’s just too bad,

Don’t be sad,

Be happy, be glad.

But a life without sadness,

Is a life without happiness.

So I am glad to be sad,

Because I will be happy,

Maybe not now,

But I will be somehow.

One day, one sentence, one paragraph.

I have decided that the note-worthy are worthy of note-taking.

Dear old me I must get up at 8am tomorrow morning if I am to make it to the Parliament tour.

I tried Gin for the first time tonight.

It is currently nearing 5am.

Well, I just got shot with meningitis today.

You know what’s weird?

Backing up photos is a NIGHTMARE!!!

What is wrong with me?

It is £79 to join the gym.

Elements of programming languages makes me want to kill myself exactly 24 times (I survived the first one today).

Well, what a day.

Oh what another day.

My tree of lights arrived today.

I honestly have no clue how I’ve managed to skip 3 consecutive days.

Intro to Applied Machine Learning is one HELL of a course.

I think I had 10 cups too much tea.

I cannot believe I woke up at 8:45am this morning and ran to my 9am class.

You can observe the ink thickening as I delay my entries.

I consider myself pretty lucky.

Since I’ve made no progress towards my IAML assignment, I’ve decided to write to you instead.

I’ve decided to make slight adjustments to my 10 year plan… [content removed for privacy purposes]

I had my first Pina Coloda tonight.

I need help.

I feel so alone.

In 2 months time I will be 21.

I brought a book today from the National Library… [content removed for privacy purposes]

His name is… [content removed for privacy purposes]

I am not a fan of cold showers.

When I was a kid, I thought L meant losers which was the worst thing to happen to you but growing up, I have found that L could also mean love, loss, loneliness and lots more that are devastating.

It is nearing 5am again.

Bear in mind I am so fucking tired.

I shaved it off today.

I truly can’t pinpoint my unhappiness.

Can you believe it’s almost been 3 months since I’ve been abroad.

It is currently 1am (approx.) and I have to be up by 5am to lead a group of 50 or so people to a castle.

Well, [content removed for privacy purposes] was not as disastrous as it could have been.

I feel bad about forgetting to send [content removed for privacy purposes]’s package now.

What a tragic hoe I am.

I wish I was a small child again.

Can you believe it’s been 8 years since [content removed for privacy purposes].

I’ve done it many times over but I deleted Tinder for good.

You are so full of shit sometimes.

I wanted to book a spontaneous trip to France.

NOTHING EVER GOES TO FUCKING PLAN!!!

Accidentally booked my flatmates and I a trip to France.

I don’t know why I can’t sleep at night.

Well, I fucked up again today.

I MUST GET UP GOT MY 10AM TUTORIAL TOMORROW!

I AM FUCKED FOR MY COURSEWORK!

I honestly thought I’ll get lucky tonight because it’s 11th of the 11th of the month.

What a weekend it has been.

Today is officially my last day from my social media cleanse break.

I’m back on social media.

I will have officially turned 21 in one month.

I booked my accommodation for Amsterdam today in the midst of my “supposedly” marathon for those 2 IAML assignments.

I’m sitting in bed on a Friday night at 2:55am and I don’t know what I’m doing.

Here is my story.

Oh dear god.

France was very good.

One more day of assignment hell and it’ll all be over.

Can you believe tonight was the last night I had to come home after midnight?

Well, I didn’t fail the Computer Security assignment but it wasn’t honest work either.

Openess.

Why did I not study tonight?

So we went to Glasgow today.

I’m crying…actually crying right now and it’s not even because of stress.

I’m thinking about making pea soup tomorrow but I do have to go to the grocery store.

I’ve decided tonight that I want to “spontaneously” lose my virginity on my 21st.

I don’t know what I want anymore.

Can you believe my first exam is tomorrow and it’s Computer Security and I’m unbelievably calm for someone who knows absolutely fucking nothing.

It has been an insufferably long day.

It feels strange to still be documenting my life in December.

Consider this: I am royally screwed.

I am so unhappy with my life right now.

Almost wrote 2015…

I am officially no longer 20 anymore.

I think this is contentment I’m feeling.

I AM SO BORED.

[content removed for privacy purposes] is such a fucking hypocrite.

I’m worried I might have [content removed for privacy purposes] cancer.

My last exam is tomorrow and I’m currently cramming Datalogs into my head while jamming some instrumental pop music.

Well, it’s done.

For some very strange reason, I can’t sleep today/tonight.

Can you believe in 3 hours, we have to get up and catch a flight to Dublin.

I made it Dublin by myself.

I can’t believe I paid $72.50 to go on a tour to see some cliffs tomorrow.

Turns out [content removed for privacy purposes] had responded about a week ago.

What an awful Christmas this has been.

I’m in Amsterdam right now sleeping in a train.

I’m literally writing this entry by phone screen light.

It’s my final night in Amsterdam.

Well I’m back in [content removed for privacy purpose] one final time.

Well, that’s it.

This is the worst New Year’s ever.

The little girl

Here I am,

As your little girl.

Here I lie,

As your little girl.

Once I fought,

As your little girl.

Still I fight,

As your little girl.

The pain never goes away,

For your little girl.

The pain never fades,

For your little girl.

She learnt to smile,

Your little girl.

She learnt to laugh,

Your little girl.

She was set free,

Your little girl.

She could stay free,

Your little girl.

But she came home,

Your little girl.

She thought you had changed,

Your little girl.

You thought she had changed,

Your little girl.

But we both stay the same,

And I am still that little girl.

I learnt to forgive,

But I couldn’t forget.

You learnt to forget,

But you can never learn to forgive.

The other version of the story

I remember when I found out about “finsta” (a fake Instagram) I was mortified. But it’s not really a fake Instagram, it’s your real Instagram but snapchat style. I guess this is what this blog has become for me – it details my darkest secrets in such a mysterious way that no one can decode it but it’s so shameful that not even my personal diary can keep a record of it. Over the many years I’ve made many posts on social media often without much as a second thought but I always felt like I need to hold back and hide behind a mask. That mask has become who I identify myself as. The funny one. The clowner. The punster. The joker. That’s me. But that’s also not me. I don’t know who and what I am but I know I’m not perfect yet I try so hard to be perfect but making it look like I’m not making an effort. I’m counter-doing what I’m trying to achieve and if you’re not following then that’s my point exactly. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t make sense. It’s midnight in Amsterdam right now. I’m not high but I am high. Goodnight.

Silence

Like the unforgivable night,

Silence.

Like the dark thoughts running in my mind,

Silence.

Like the bone chilling cold,

Silence.

Like the last breath it stole,

Silence.

Like the last chance to survive,

Silence.

Like there is no other way to life,

Silence.

Why does everything have to be this way?

Silence.

Why can I not say what I want to say?

Silence.

Why do I have to change to fit in? 

Silence.

Why do I have to fight for freedom? 

Silence.

Why won’t I have a chance at happiness? 

Silence.

Why is is so difficult to feel less worthless? 

Dear Alex,

I tried to write to you in York,

I felt like a super dork.

It was really late at night,

So I scraped the idea and turned off the light. 
I tried to write to you again the next night,

I couldn’t think of the right words in my mind.

I was sharing a bed with a friend, 

It was not a moment to recreate the scene. 
I talked about how we meet in London,

You drank way too much for your first night in. 

I talked about our weird and perculiar coincidences,

I never thought I’ll meet a French Canadian.
I got so excited when you used to send me messages,

Even if it’s lame drunk pictures.

Remember that one of your tattooed arm? 

Thank god it was only a temporary charm.
I loved it when you sent me coco videos,

You stopped it a while ago.

I guess I should have taken note,

Like those music clips to piece back your ego.
I don’t want to remember you now,

I don’t want to know if you’re doing well.
It’s funny that I still care,
More than that London Jenga dare. 

If you ever find this post,

I hope I have let you go.

And the month of memories we have,

Will be nothing but a ghost. 
Yours Truly,

– The girl who accidentally fell for you

Finite Love

I have made the conclusion that love is limited. If it were unlimited, we would all be freed to love and give an infinite amount of love. I think we all want to believe that we can love infinitely but that just can’t be true. There are some things we love more than others, there are some people we will  love more than others and there will be thing and people that we will never love in our lives. We live to love but love doesn’t live on. I chose this topic today because I am afraid of love. I am afraid of finding people or things that will divide up my love for the people and things I currently love. It is possible to love equally but is it possible to love all things equally? And what amounts of love does it require to truly determine that you love someone or something. Is love when you choose to give up your life for the life of someone else? In that case I love all but myself. And yet I do not want to die, not because I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid it will hurt the people I love. But is choosing to live for the sake of other people a good reason to live? What if instead I had said, choosing to live for the sake of love because that’s what’s really happening. A choice to live is choosing not to hurt the ones who loves you and who you love back. So we arrive at a conflicting choice. And the best choice is to live. To live, to learn, to love. Live to learn, learn to love, love to live. It’s an endless cycle. But isn’t a cycle an infinite figurative? It is. But this cycle is a circle. And each piece that gets divided up is allocated from somewhere. I don’t know how much pieces I can divide up, I do know who has the larger pieces and who doesn’t. So love is inaccurately depicted by the shape of a heart. Love has been romantized for too long. Love is about divide and conquer. That’s where the saying, “Win the heart” comes from. Love is competitive and if you don’t compete, you won’t get a piece. But fighting for something that isn’t yours will not get you anywhere and that is where love is also fragile. It can be easily conquered by the right person but no matter how strong or tough or persistent you are, if you are not the right one, you will never gain a piece big enough to win the heart over. I find love to be such an abstract thing to think about. Like outer space and questioning our purpose of existence. I always thought of myself as someone who could never love but I think I just haven’t found anyone who can outcompete the people and things that are holding the pieces of my love. Or maybe no one has bothered to compete for it. I guess that puts an end to our question for world peace. Peace is achieved by equal love but life isn’t fair, and just like life, nothing will ever be divided up evenly, love inclusive. I hope I do learn to divide up my love but I am also scared. I am scared to love because it’s another reason to live. Maybe I am scared to love because I am scared to live. So first, I have to live. Then I will learn to love. 

LiveLearnLove – maybe that’s my new PastPresentFuture. 

Loneliness

Three years ago I asked for independence. And three years later I got it. I don’t need to give you 13 reasons why. I only need to give you one. That one reason is me. We decide our own fate. Not other people. Yes, they can be a major influence on how we decide but the ultimate decision lies with us. The person who chooses to end a life is the person responsible so the person to blame really should be ourselves. You may disagree but a suicidal person is never quite right in the head. That, I can justify for sure. And no matter what you do, it always comes back to haunt you. It’s almost like an addiction, a temptation. Maybe that’s why society files us away into categories. Categories they don’t want to face with. Because the truth is ugly and painful. The truth is mental illness is an issue. It’s a problem everyone can face given enough stress. It’s not something we’re born with or inherited. It’s something we develop from the ongoing pressures of our environment. And it goes hand in hand with everything that causes depression.

The solution is simple, ask for help. But solutions are never simple. Nobody likes to admit that there is something wrong with them. I know for a fact that I would never ask for help myself (so am I a hypocrite?). Well, yes and no.

I’m lucky because I think I have a varying degree of bi-polarism or whatever shitty labels society has decided to put on it. When I’m in darkness I have someone there to help me find a way out. But some people are not so lucky. Maybe their vision has been blinded for so long. Maybe they have been left in the dark for too long. But nobody knows and that’s when things really do get shitty.

Everyone has a dark place, those who think they don’t are just blessed to never have been put under the stress to find it but having a dark place doesn’t mean we should get treated like we’re “sick and diseased”. The human mind is the most precious and fragile thing in the world and as cliche as this sounds, the best medication for it is love and nurture. Those that have been feed love and nurture all their lives are obviously more resistant to dark thoughts. Some are so strong they can completely repel from even thinking about it. Some of us, are not so lucky.

Having suicidal thoughts isn’t a necessary bad thing for me but like I said, I’m an odd case. I’ve always been an odd case. It makes me bolder in terms of living a bit more because I think to myself, “If I’m going to end my life right now, I might as well do all the things I was too scared to do before I end it” and that usually pushes me forward because I have a million things on my to-do-list so suicide can wait, for now.

Having gone through these thoughts more than once, I know things do eventually get better. So I think that’s the message I’m trying to get across today. It’s not the perfect solution to whatever dark place you’re currently in. But if the solution is to end your life, stop and think about all the other things you can do before you end your life. Because once you do, that’s it. There is no going back.

If life wants to treat you like shit, then shit on it first, don’t be the weaker one. Stand up for yourself and fight. Because you are the ultimate decider of your own fate, your own life. And if all else fails, seek help. I mean, what else have you got to lose anyway? You only have one life and trust me, your life is worth saving.

– FuturePresentsPast